For anyone who has experienced a loss of a loved one, I am sorry. I am sorry for your loss but I am also sorry if I personally ever said it will get better. I have lost grandparents. I have lost my best friend. But until I lost both of my brothers within a three-year period I did not totally understand what it meant to lose someone. I did not know what it truly meant to grieve.
I am the oldest of five siblings. There are 3 girls and 2 boys. There was a big age gap between my brothers and I. There is actually 15 years and 12 years between us. As I got older and started my life, my younger brothers were still always around me. They sometimes felt like my sons instead of brothers. To say the least we were very close.
August 11, 2012 in the middle of my daughters 3rd birthday party I received a phone call from my younger brother saying there was a boating accident involving our brother. He did not know any details but he said he thinks it may be bad. I was the first one to arrive out of our family. It was bad. Fire trucks, ambulances, police and rescue boat raking the lake. They found him 8 hours later in 20 feet of water. As we sat and watched I remember I could see everything around me but could not hear. It was like I was watching from the outside in. This could not be happening. Things like this do not happen to my family. The next days were like a blur. My daughter’s birthday will never be the same.
Fast forward to January 19, 2015. We are in the hospital celebrating the birth of our new daughter. I had an easy delivery and I was feeling good. My husband and I were watching the news and there was a report of a fatal hit and run. He made the comment ‘why do people walk on the roads at night’. Twelve hours later we found out this was my brother. I remember screaming that this could not be happening again. I remember looking at our beautiful newborn daughter and wondering how could I go on. All I wanted to do is get out of the hospital and get to my mom. I knew she needed me. Only later to find out this was not a hit and run. This was a homicide. Once again the next few days were like a blur. Once again our daughter’s birthday will never be the same.
The loss of my brothers has been so hard on myself and our family. Things are not the same. It is like there is a before and an after. So when someone says time heals, it is like a slap in the face. Time does not heal. Time helps you cope. The hurt inside does not get better. In fact sometimes I think it gets worse. There isn’t a day that goes by that they do not cross my mind. Everything changed in a second.
I know everyone at some point in their life has lost or will lose someone who will forever change your life. Before this I was guilty of saying things to others like ‘it will get better’ or ‘it is time to move on’. I was wrong to say that.
First off, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. We have every right to grieve however we need to and nobody has the right to tell us any different. Some may scream, cry, get angry, while others may need time to themselves and deal with things how they need too. This is not wrong. It is whatever is needed to get us through the toughest thing we will ever experience in lives.
I look at my family now and cherish them more than ever. We never know what tomorrow holds. We never know when it will be our last kiss or our last goodbye. Love each other like there is no tomorrow.
My brothers, Jacob and James. We will miss you forever!
